It’s very late where I am as I’m writing this but I figured I’d put my thoughts down in writing. I’ll edit this stuff later (or procrastinate and forget to)
I’ve been meeting a lot of newcomers in the scene lately.
Most of the time I try my best to get the ball rolling – I don’t mean immediately dive into play and activity with a complete stranger – but essentially try and break the ice a bit. People can be shy, nervous, hesitant. I understand. I’ve been around a bit, know more people, and had my fair share of friends and partners.
But sometimes, just sometimes, I get the impression that all that (whether or not to my own awareness) can seem a bit imposing at times. I understand it’s the human thing to do to become self-conscious about oneself especially around more experienced individuals. They seem formidable, confident without question about their own skill levels, their understanding of their own limits.
Once upon a time though? I was new.
I was so green that I could have pissed grass.
In fact, I was painfully shy. I literally wore a mask over my face out of some insecure fear of being outed or ostracized. From behind that mask, I watched the world interact like some macabre play on a stage; curious, observant, and hesitant for reasons that escape me.
I started comparing myself to other Tops.
I started thinking, naively, “Holy fuck I’ll never get that good.” It ate my self-confidence. I became deathly afraid of approaching anyone in case I turned out to be a mistake to anyone. It stagnated my relationships because I kept telling myself I wasn’t good enough.
Stupid thoughts like “My knots aren’t tight enough” or “I’m not physically attractive” or “I can’t afford that kind of awesome outfit“. I might have even thought “I don’t think I can sexually satisfy my partner“.
Petty, fucked up, self-hating nonsense.
The end result were wasted hours of my life; time spent moping around, dreaming, wanting to be all those things that fascinated me.
It’s like that song by the Smiths, “How Soon is Now?” where one of the lyrics goes:
There’s a club if you’d like to go
you could meet somebody who really loves you
so you go, and you stand on your own
and you leave on your own
and you go home, and you cry
and you want to die.
I’m not even kidding. Look it up. Those are quite literally the lyrics to that song and as much as I love the Smiths, it’s like they suddenly got this sadistic streak and felt the urge to bust a nut all over this thing called emotions. That’s a dick move even for someone like Morrissey and the man keeps whining all the damn time.
Ever feel like you’re not dominant or submissive enough? Not educated enough? Committed enough? Skinny enough? Young enough?
You, as an individual, are a beautiful fucked up creature and somewhere out there in this vast world of leather-clad, rubber-loving, rope-bundling, blatantly unapologetic pool of deviance is somebody’s turn on.
We all start somewhere. We all have our moments of doubt. Each one of us embarks on a journey of growth, learning, and understanding in our own individual definition of the term. There is no true way or tradition. There is only you and where it is that you choose to be.
You, that have chosen to enter, explore, and pursue these interests are free to your own enterprise. There are guidelines, yes, but when it comes down to what YOU want in this experience, that it is entirely up to you to decide. Just try not to be selfish about it. Like Morrissey.
Sometimes you fuck up. I’ve fucked up. Everybody does. By realizing that you’ve made a mistake and felt that awful moment of hindsight, you’ve taken the first step of every responsible adult out there. Learn to recognize a genuine mistake.
The only thing that I would expect from you to take from this is that you own it like nobody else’s business. I want you to know that you have what it takes to rock the world. So don’t ever second-guess yourself of what you’re capable of or you’ll wind up like Morrissey.
Don’t be Morrissey. Nobody likes Morrissey.
Not even Morrissey likes Morrissey.
Morrissey is a self-loathing asshole.
Now get out there and have a good time.