You should know in advance that what I am about to tell you is a confession. I do not expect to be granted clemency yet I also do not expect to be exempt from whatever judgment anyone should make. Above all else, I will merely attempt to shed light on the reasons that have led to the events that took place during this previous summer.
I have always been an irresponsible individual. I take refuge in falsehoods and being vain about my thoughts and feelings. I am self-absorbed as I am insecure. It is in my nature to be anxious, paranoid, and at best self-driven. I am egotistical and I am likewise apathetic at times to the concerns of others. My sentimentality often makes me naïve and frequently I over think and over analyze everything around me. My desire for a constant state of familiar experiences, secure and stable, is nothing short of being neurotic.
Worst of my flaws is my inability to act or change on what I am readily aware as a fault of character. I resolve my issues with retreat, lurking behind a mask that is designed to fool others into supporting my endeavors, frequently through guilt tripping and blame. My temper can be explosive, uncontrolled, and untamed. Such temperament makes me impulsive and unstable, trackless and unpredictable. I loathe being seen as a constant, struggling to adjust, and give in too quickly.
Despite these things that I am telling you, I expect no sympathy in return, after all this being a confession of who I am. I do not think I have changed – that is not for me to decide, merely something others must do for me. The possibility is there given the mixed emotions following my return. My mind has been in frequent contemplation ever since and, currently caught in a state of self reflection, it is difficult not to draw the lines immediately.
I left in March because I needed to get away from everything. Compared to most, I was fortunate to have the means, and who amongst us hasn’t dreamed of escapism more than once? When caught in a cycle of destructive behavior, it is important to make that decision due to the risk of becoming insane. This was true at the time, my behavior was highly destructive, I caved in to the desire to get away from it all. It was a course of action that I had done time and time again though arguably at a more ‘local’ distance.
It still remains a bit of a mystery to me how the journey itself came to fruition. I packed my bags and left, took off in search of adventure, and when I first experienced a mere taste for it I was immediately fixated. Curiosity replaced rationality, the taste of new discoveries spurred me on, and from that point forward I merely kept moving. Part of the process of living is to indulge in new experiences, to grow and learn, and from that moment onward there must always be a desire to evolve as a person.
Initially I carried my flag as a memento, a symbol of my identity, and most of all a minder of my lifestyle. Not that I doubt I would ever forget, mind you, considering that certain tastes never really go away despite what others may think. It took some time before it became more than a piece of fabric, further still before I found meaning to its presence and its importance.
In the past, I often sought refuge in solitude, which I admit as a bit of an introvert provides some reassurance in turn. Subconsciously the knowledge of personal security within a familiar environment can be harmful at times. How does one reflect constructively when in the comfort of a personal dwelling? How does one examine themselves when within the proximity of nearby family and friends, always supportive and reassuring?
It is far easier to permit these feelings to subside but when they return eventually would it be wise to merely accept them as part of a process? The desire for change must be present yet more than anything there must always be a will to pursue that change. Perhaps then, whether or not I realized it, part of me wanted to change. I wanted to understand more than anything the full extent of my capabilities as a person. I wanted above all else to understand the world around me, the people involved within it, and where it was I stood on these things.
Suffice to say, by the end of all things, I found more than I had bargained for. It may not have been according to my expectations, still at present I wish often that I had done things differently from time to time, but it is not arrogance that I add that I do not regret what has occurred. I do not regret the things that I have learned.
There is no possible way that I could summarize in simple terms the lessons passed upon me during those past six months on the road. Suppose then, I am being vague again if only for posterity’s sake, perhaps even the ever dramatic side of me. However, to describe it in a single sentence, I can only say this:
I learned to live.
Beyond that would require greater elaboration than a mere entry could curtain. I owe it to everyone to at least attempt to explain the background leading to that undertaking. For now draw your own conclusions but thank you for taking the time to read this.